MLS is BACK..WHAT COULD GO WRONG July 8th-9th JURASSIC Picks & Predictions
Really, MLS? REALLY?
I’m not making any picks. As I don’t think this tournament is going to happen, that would be kind of stupid. Not as stupid as sending 700 people down to the world’s epicenter of a crushing pandemic, of course. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?? No point in talking about the potential for severe illness, about spreading illness to loved ones and possible life-long guilt there, about career-ending injury risks, about inevitable mental health issues, no no no. Nah.
Instead, I’m just gonna paraphrase Ian Malcolm. And then I’m going to hunt down a stock photo of a dinosaur kicking a soccer ball.
“MLS… Your league officials were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
And goshdarnit, Jeff Goldblum, that’s spot on.
The MLS & Leather-Wearing Mathematician Equation is this:
In terms of utter stupidity…
Holding a Soccer Tournament in a State Filled with Old People with Underlying Medical Conditions That Did NOTHING About a Pandemic That Kills Old People with Underlying Medical Conditions > Extracting Dino DNA from Amber and Releasing Hungry Velociraptors in the 20th Century.
And I Found A Dinosaur Kicking a Soccer Ball!
I love the MLS. I love the *idea* of this tournament. And it could work.
If and only if:
1 – The US weren’t the US. and…
2- Florida wasn’t Florida.
Unfortunately, both of those things seem to be pretty fixed. I’ll spare you the politics rant, because unless you’re a drooling idiot, you already know why we’re in the situation we’re in. And that’s in a country that can’t currently safely have professional sports with any contact or teams.
Don’t give me this “bubble crap”. You know what bubbles are good for? Keeping things IN. Like people. And spreading viruses.
You know what else is very similar to a bubble?
Three Things Similar to a MLS is Back Style BUBBLE:
- A Cruise Ship.
- A Jail.
- A Nursing Home.
So, tell me… during your various levels of quarantining over the last few months, have you EVER said..
“Man I wish I were in Shady Acres Norwegian Retirement Cruise & Penitentiary”?
WHOOO BOY, this gets me fired up. Probably should find another dinosaur and soccer ball picture.
BETTER. HE LOOKS CONCUSSED, THOUGH.
Hey, We Can Still Mathematically Field a Team!
And yeah, that’s paraphrasing, but that was the fiery pep talk from FC Dallas coach Luchi “Why Are They Doing This to Me” Gonzalez when somewhere between 9 and all of his players were diagnosed with Covid-19.
And Columbus has cases.
And The Red Bulls decided that they lived through April in NJ and it SUCKED and why do it again in a hotter climate with worse food? So, they’ve “delayed” their trip until they can find doppelgangers of all their players and coaches. Chris Armas should be easy, confused-looking muscular guys with no tactical nous absolutely LITTER the Jersey shore.
And a dozen similar issues.
This ain’t gonna work. And it shouldn’t.
But, It’s Fine As Long as the Players Keep Getting Screwed Over..
The MLS has a long and reliable tradition of screwing over its players, particularly the ones who make $32,000 a year or so. Don Garber, in his infinite wisdom (greed), is sticking to that tried and true method with this dopey tournament.
Gimme a Thierry Henry Dinosaur Soccer Picture!